Questions about our stick rehabilitation efforts:

Q: Where do your sticks come from?

A: Our sticks are collected from the wilds of Michigan, USA, under the distrustful eye of the Canadian border control officials called Mounties, because they used to ride horses. Our sticks originate from various native midwestern trees. They are cared for in our residential facility in Michigan.

Q: Why would someone want to sponsor a stick?

A: Why would someone want to run screaming through Costco? Why would someone want to send their mom photos of their cat dressed up as a turkey? Every sponsor has their own reasons for sponsoring a stick. Some find it to be a unique and symbolic way to connect with nature. Others are very lonely. Still others are simply biding their time until the Water Wars of 2050. Stick sponsorship packages are fun and also serve as a novel gift for someone who appreciates the natural world or enjoys quirky, unconventional items.

Q: How much does it cost to sponsor a stick?

A: The cost of a 1-year sponsorship is $14.99. We also offer VIP sponsorships with a whole lot of cool and exciting perks!

Q: What do I get as a sponsor?

A: As a sponsor, you will receive an email update every 6 weeks on the progress of your stick, and our award-winning e-manual for capturing and domesticating your own pet stick. Optional add-ons include an adoption certificate and sewing instructions for making various outfits for your own personal stick, should you decide to domesticate one.

Q: Are the sticks released after rehabilitation?

Most of our sticks are profoundly injured and unable to be re-introduced back into the wild. They simply would not survive. Furthermore, given the resentment from Mommy and Daddy Trees regarding their sticks being taken away by humans, integration back into tree family life would pose security risks for host humans. Sticks could divulge their former humans’ addresses, social security numbers, and WIFI passwords, which are definitely not password123. For these reasons, our sticks are living out their days in our peaceful and joyful residential facility.

Q: How long does my sponsorship last?

A: Sponsorships are currently available for a 1 year term. At the end of that year, please check out other sticks to sponsor!

Q: Can I visit my sponsored stick?

A: Unfortunately, sponsors are unable to see their stick in person. Many of our sticks have undergone trauma and need to stick to a predictable, comforting routine. Moreover, our team strives to ensure the safety of our sticks, and we cannot subject them to unforeseen risks such as visitors carrying matches, introducing termites, and so on.

Q: Is my sponsorship donation tax-deductible?

A: Our organization is a for-profit endeavor which represents the full, unbridled reaches of end-stage capitalism. As such, your sponsorship is considered a purchase, and is not tax deductible.

Q: Does the stick know it’s being sponsored?

A: It is still unclear. But probably…yes? It really depends on your worldview.

Q: Can I sponsor a stick in someone else’s name?

A: Absolutely! A stick sponsorship can make a thoughtful and unusual gift. Simply provide the recipient's name and any special message you would like included in the sponsorship package.

Q: How do I get started with sponsoring a stick?

A: To sponsor a stick, browse our list of available sticks, choose the one you feel a connection with, and complete the checkout process on our website. You will receive a welcome email and our digital manual via email.

Q: Is this website real?

The origin story is completely made up, but the products are 100% real! We do not really rehabilitate sticks or have a residential facility for sticks. But when you purchase a sponsorship, you will indeed get update emails that tell a wild stick story, hilarious e-manual for taking care of sticks, and any digital add-ons you have purchased.

Q: Will you ship sticks?

This website may be silly, but our love of the environment is serious. We do not use resources to ship sticks or other nonsensical physical things—all of our products are digital and delivered via email. Except for if you become a $5,000 sponsor, then we’ll actually mail you some cool art.

Q: How does my sponsorship help the environment?

A: Symbolically, it might feel like it does, which is all that really matters.

Questions about stick domestication:

Q: My stick has a rash. What do I do?

A: First, check that you don’t have a rash. If you do have one, check to see if your partner has a rash. If they have one, check if their secret loved one has a rash. This really could go on for quite a while, until you reach Kevin Bacon. If you do not have a rash, then wash your stick with warm soap and water, dry thoroughly, and oil with wood oil.

Q: The process of befriending and domesticating a stick has been the most rewarding experience of my life. But at the same time, I feel lonelier than ever. What gives?

A: This is a sign to double down on your relationship with your stick. Have you truly broken down the walls around your heart and let it in, emotionally, spiritually, etc.? If you close your eyes, do you know every nook and cranny of your stick’s surface? Have you taken it out in public, to proclaim to the world that you are not afraid? Once you have attained such a deep and rewarding relationship with stick pet, write back to let us know how you feel!

Q: So I did what you said and doubled down and took my stick out to my coworker's barbecue and let’s just say it did not go well.

A: That’s great! Keep those updates coming!

Q: This is purely hypothetical but can a stick and a human get married? Are there any state laws against it?

A: In the United States, you can only marry another human. This rules out animals, train cars, slow cookers, and sadly, sticks. Interestingly enough, U.S. laws do not rule out marrying a ghost. So if god forbid your stick has passed, then you could arrange to marry its spirit. But maybe the ghost has to be human too. Unclear. Do you know where stick-human marriages are not unclear? Probably Japan. They always come through in these areas.

Q: Not a question, more of a comment: Your stick manual is one of the most impressive pieces of writing I have ever seen, and I am a tenured professor of English at Harvard University, which is an Ivy League and really, really good.

A: Thanks!